The New Life

Friday, July 07, 2006

A compilation
The following are some posts I've made over the last 2 months as creativity was sparked....from myspace and elsewhere (in quasi-order):

why why why?
I just wanted to come home, get drunk, and be depressive.

But your face and kiss were havin none of that.

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Face remoreseful, mouth parched, lips dry, throat dead to the world, and nose sobbing it's greenish tears endlessly onto my scruff-filled upper lip...

I sit.

Twenty minutes after a lackluster third grade bully turned honored visionary of a friend leaves me goldless (of the johhny walker variety), and feeling horribly guilty for the events transpiring over the last 6 months; reminding me that for the next 6 months, this is all I'll think about........ ::insert cheasy heart-felt narrative here::

Twenty-Five minutes after a small lcd tiled message breezes through the air and places itself delicately in front of me, however, leaving me devastatingly alone for the latter half of the evening.

Forty-Five minutes after my last update from the world that seems to have the only real positive bearing on my life right now.

Three-Hundred minutes after a desperate reach for some sense of fellowship or raport across a few hundred miles, and many many stretches of unbearable traffic and rail line.

Three-Hundred and Sixty minutes after my last correspodence with the only person that holds any significant sway on my emotion presently.

And approximately Thirty Seven-Thousand Four-Hundred & Forty minutes after I felt any sense of togetherness.

And only another One-Hundred & Eighty minutes until all of this fades to black and I wake-up to another chance of living it all again.

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Perhaps one of the most poignant moments of my life (which is nearly 1/3 through btw) happened this evening. It's something that I may look back on as a sign of fate, a turn around perhaps.

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One city's rainstorm managed to nearly engulf my car in a blanket of water as intense and to the point as a Martin Luther King Jr. soliloquy.

The other city left my car and I looking toward the heavens in search for a drop of rain.

I scurried to my car from Erik's patio, ready for a good pour, and that's exactly what I got.

But something amazing happened on the drive home.

No, not the fact that I nearly crashed a good baker's dozen amount of times....

Halfway over the bridgethat seperates these two cities, the rain stopped....a dead stop. The line could be seen in my side-view mirror. It was literally a wall of water that had devoured the entirety of St. Paul.

And nary a cloud remained for my home of Minneapolis.

I was almost disspointed, expecting to run and gun from my car to my apartment....drenched to the bone.

But instead, I encountered only one very lonely raindrop that landed squarely on my forehead, as if to suggest that my life has passed by this tumultuous storm, and though strife surrounds me, I needn't be worried.

I'm still in shock by this incident's beauty.

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Words.

They're coming out now.
With more fury and conviction than any age I can recall.
Fortune brings me to a blithesome place.
However, negligence has befallen that dept. as of late.

Many hours spent lately carrying out futile tasks focused on futile objectives.

This is done.
It should never have been written.
My mind wanders more lately than, suprisingly enough, any age I can recall.
The words come and come.
They just materialize from so many dissimilar districts.

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It is no dream.
I expect to have those music soaked walls to be open to the public within 1500 days.
They way things have been going down lately one would assume that anything I say would warrant a trip to Bellevue, but in fact, in this case, it is just the opposite.
In this case I react in the opposite vein and become stronger than one would expect.

There remains a consumate focus here that, though dereailed for a time, is back in a powerful fashion.

Do not let these jumbled and horribly constructed words fool you.

It's there already....I just haven't constructed it yet.

Enjoy, Austin.
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This gin is seeping into my collective consciousness faster than the harsh green all-but-solvent that was thrust down my throat last sunset.

Gin? Why gin?

Perhaps I feel like depriving this one of the only alcohol that is an anathema to me....that she chooses to consume in the same vein that I imbibe scotch.

Why is it that these coctails of truth do not seem to throw their axe of veracity and impulsiveness on my head?

Dear Gin,

I choose to delight in you tonight, but only because I'm collapesed, distressed, and narcoleptic. Ya, ponder that amalgam for a tick.

Your mortal enemy,
Jason Jungbluth
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All the things I never did for you.

I never spent 3 hours per, making a mix cds for you, analyzing every song for intent, beauty, and worth.

I never spent days racking my brain, contemplating what to do for your birthday.

I never brought you to Colorado or knew exactly where to stay and made love to you (almost twice if you would've waited 2 weeks)

I never picked you flowers and watched them slowly wilt as I rushed to get them to you.

I never brought you to the drive-in and cradled you after you got lost.

I never brought you to a nice Italian restraunt, paid, and let you taste my wine.

I never let you use my apartment as your own space to relax and take a bath for hours, while I held my bladder back.

I never chose you over another woman.

I never made you cry tears of joy

I never made myself look like a jackass just to please you.

I never sang our song as loud as I could for you, while you looked out my sunroof into the beautiful sky.

I never cried tears of joy for you.

I never stayed awake for 30 extra minutes only to make sure you got to sleep well.

I never let you lay on my lap for as long as needed, despite the fact that I hadn't been able to feel my legs, and had had pins and needles for the last 25 minutes.

I never stroked your hair for an obscenely long time, just to watch the smile come onto your face as you slowly drifted off to sleep.

I never brought you to the cabin that is so sacred to my entire family and I.

I never put on headphones and killed my neck, if only to help you sleep.

I never switched my speech patterns in order to please you.

I never bought things at the store I thought were ridiculous in order to make you happy.

I never bought Gin for you.

I never left a note to lift you up now and again.

I never thought about only you when I was in a crowd of women.

I never lifted my spirits up, if only to lift yours up.

I never drove everywhere because I knew you hated your car.

I never went to your plays.

I never re-ordered my daily schedule just to see you.

I never watched movies with you I had absolutely no desire of seeing, confirmed my suspicions, and then laughed when I saw how happy you were with those crappy movies.

I never brought you to a fondue place, and spent $150 I definately did NOT have.

I never spent a night making fondue with you, calmed you down as you got mad at nearly everything, or made love to you afterward.

I never brought you to St. Cloud to see a band with a lead singer you still like, made you laugh obscenely, held your hair back, bought you cheese and crackers, or helped you move out...all after we broke-up

Wait a minute......

There's a lot of things I could've done better, but there's much more than that, that I did pretty damn good.

Sometimes it's about the small things....sometimes it's about the big things.....sometimes it's both. And a lot of the time, the person receiving these things doesn't even know they're receiving anything at all.....until it's already too late.

Too little....perhaps.

Too late.....perhaps.

Perhaps.

Perhaps not.

I hope this is the last entry about you for awhile. You don't deserve my aggravation right now. And I don't mean that you don't deserve it because it bothers you....I mean that you don't deserve it because you don't deserve my emotion.
post by The Mix at 12:02 PM 0 A flats

Saturday, March 11, 2006

What do you do when your best friend leaves?

I don't mean leaves in the sense of taking a trip to a distant country for a couple months. This person is leaving to start a new life. Not like college where you know there's breaks and the person comes back within a certain period of time.

Gone.

I don't have all that much to say about this particular subject, and although it's not really creative, or shedding light on anything, it just seems important.

Perhaps I'm being melodramatic, but just think for one second about how you'd feel if your best friend left. Just left you. Not within an hour or 2 drive....went the height of the country away.

Ya, exactly.
post by The Mix at 11:42 AM 0 A flats

Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Twisted Reality
Isn't it odd to sit back and look at other relatinships sometimes?

Over the course of my life I've seen many relationships wher I just didn't understand where the connection was, but there have been a couple where it just seemed odd that the person would even want to associate themselves with this person, let alone date. This has happened twice two friends of my, that I can recall presently anyway. The first is long passed, lasted for three or four months and the person in question realized the flaws in the other person.

The other has lasted at least double that, and is still going strong (in a manner of speak). Generally these relationships are so impassioned, so strongly weak, that others get pushed to the wayside. I just don't get it in this case. The person in question is such a strong person, so insanely willed to get her point across, so creative, so alive....and over the past months, she just fell dead.

I make no pretenses about our relationship...it's merely passing, not a bond forged over years of strife and love like others that we harbor. But in the little time that I've known her, I've watched her go from this free-flowing phoenix of a woman to a caged bird. I guess I just don't get how a person so strong-willed could be locked up by a man so.....so......

I should mention at this point that I've not met the man....

Now that that's out of the way. This man, though I'm sure a nice enough guy (they always turn out to be), is keeping her caged. The last time I talked to this girl her words were "he would rather not have me see certain people, whether i am alone or with him". I just don't see how you could contain a person like that. I've always been of the opinion that if a person can't hang out with their ex/exs of any sort (be it relationship or discreet sex partners) without making out with them or being all over them, then they aren't worth being with in the first place. I don't actively tell my girlfriend to go hang out with her ex's, but it's certainly not something I discourage. In any case, her reason for not hanging out with me is that, though she dislikes his opinion in this case, she'd rather not step on any toes. It's odd to see her transformed into this housewife of sorts, reduced to seeing only him and her remote girlfriends.

Don't get me wrong, I worry about my girlfriend. If you get too comfortable with her hanging out with certain people, then you're just setting yourself up for disaster. However, I would never try to restrict her in her frinedly activities....in fact, I encourage that she go out more often. People know me, know I'm an only child, know I like my space (that's my space, not MYSPACE).

So how does a person that you admire as a bastion of women's rights and forward thinking become trapped by a guy who, no doubt, wants to control her. How doesn't she see that? Do we become so blinded by the fact that someone wants us so badly, that we just ignore everything else?

I'd like to think that would never happen to me. I don't like to settle, but it HAS happened to me, with Andrea, and Leah. Though to a lesser extent, because they didn't really control me, they didn't really try, but I most likely would've let them, and for no reason other than the fact that I just wanted someone there to sleep with at the end of the evening.

I hope this person in question realizes that she's being controlled and gets out of this relationship because my friends and I miss her.

At a time when 60% of my time is spent with Kara, and the 0ther 40% is spent with people that I see in 1 hour incriments, and my best friend is 18-20 hours away......I could use a little friendship now and again.

More to come.
post by The Mix at 4:40 PM 0 A flats

Sunday, October 02, 2005
An Ode to Interpersonal relationship
My roommate has left out on our coffee table (highly unappreciated by the way) a credit application for him and his soon to be new rommate Calvin. Since they are going behind my back, speaking about me as though I were a mythical being to be reviled at all costs, I shall do the same to them, although hopefully a little less cynical....and a little less unexpected, being that I already have explained my thoughts on the situation tto Dom.

Dom has repeatedly assailed me with violent words over the past few weeks, though conveniently not sending those words directly to me. Instead a buffer is between us, in the form of a girlfriend, whom cannot handle the responsibility of being this afformentioned buffer.....nor should she be asked to.

Point being, as I have stated before, despite the increasingly various ways of contacting one another in this highly technological and in demand world we live in presently; we can't seem to find any reasonable way of interacting with each other. Now, instead of reasoning with a person, or confronting them personally, we find some way to bitch or complain about the situation to another person. We have, in a sense, reverted back to middle school in one foul swoop. Instead of talking with a person (I.E. - giving them an idea of what we are concerned about), we give them the cold shoulder emotionally and conversationally....we find ways to do this by talking through another person, or thanks to our new found technological prowess, we effortlessly pick up our cell-phones and dial the nearest help line, via our not so close friends. Confrontation has been thrown by the wayside like a fad overly due for retirement. Perhaps even worse, we pretend like the problem never existed. Rather than say "Hey, I heard we have some issues to resolved", all that is spewed, and I say spew without caution, we say "Hey, what's up?"

I realize that living in the times that we do means being up front and constantly in contact, without being either at all, but I dream that one day, 21 year olds will actually have a degree, imaginary of course, in conversation and problem solving. See, as it is right now, my roommate will be having nothing to do with me for the last 1 month we'll be living with each other. Ohh, and be sure, by his standards, it will be exactly that, "living with each other". One can dream, however, that instead of reverting back to the days of seeking out drama like it was the sustenance of life, that he will be up front, and have the actual backbone to speak with a guy (namely me) that appreciates what he's done very much. Perhaps it's just that he hasn't been taught how to actually speak his feelings, but he sure isn't doing it now. Instead of owning up for what he has uttered, he chooses to acknowledge no wrong-doing or failure to communicate.

If his response comes in the form of a letter, or no response whatsoever, be sure he will learn his lesson, though I hope he already has.
post by The Mix at 2:08 AM 1 A flats

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

"When your sound is full of soul and progressive conciousness, you bring people home"

This is back.

I now have final confirmation. Jeremy will be taking over as the promoter/booking agent for French Press Jazz in lowertown St. Paul, and during a period of two months, during which I will almost certainly have no life whatsoever, her will be training me in to take over the job. Creative control is mostly there, as the owner's concept is fairly undeveloped. From the few pictures I've seen, its a gorgeous club, and I would enjoy spending day after day there, furthering the scene as much as possible. This will be an incredible opportunity for me, and despite the fact that I'll be Jeremy's whipping boy for two months, it will be a great job to mention when I'm looking for investors for my own club.

I feel like turning a corner, and I feel as though that corner is coming up sooner than I had expected. The car I'm traveling is bringing me there at 100mph and the brakes are out.

I'm in the car, foot firmly planted on the gas.....the car's running on rocket fuel consisting of Kara, a new club, and the most postitive outlook I've had in a long time.

Kara was frustrated the other day in the car, and old Jason, Jason from 3 years ago would've yelled right back at her in frustration, getting us nowhere, but I somehow managed to A) not be mad and B) laugh and make her laugh as I was trying to calm her down.

The fact that jazz doesn't reach a wider audience is beyond me. I realize that the business is dominated by those meaning to bring the same 'ole pop tunes to those who will grab it up with an intense eagerness....fine whatever....but at least try to educate your audience along the way. I'm a sucker for pop tunes as well. Simple hooks and melodies are great sometimes......sometimes. But you might as well give other artists a shots as well. Mainstream is so dominated by this simple-mindedness that I think it coud afford one hour a week to both classical and jazz. Late night, early morning, I don't care when, just as long as people can listen and see these people playing. That right there is enough to make people start to care about what they are feeding their ears on a daily basis.

I'm biased, but jazz is the most intricate, soulful, and hardest to play music ever performed, and when its played right, it blows the other categories away in its beauty. I can listen to the same jazz performance everyday for 3 years straight and still find something new everyday.....the same can't be said for most pop music.

Listen to jazz.....or I will bring a swift death upon thy head
post by The Mix at 11:38 PM 2 A flats

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

This is threatening to make me the happiest I've been in a very long time. What THIS is, I cannot talk about presently, because I'm trying to be as calm about it as possible, but its what I've wanted for what seems like eons now. And it might be within arms reach.

This is meant to be no offense to the girlfriend I currently, being that she's most of the reason I feel this.

She seems to be one of the few people close to me that actually take me seriously and consider me bright; one of the few people in my life that speak to me directly, not through lines that won't ever reach me unless there's a break in trust somewhere along the way.

I like having people around me that tell me exactly what I'm doing wrong, regardless of conflict.....conflict is great every now and again just as long as you remember not to take yourself too seriously...that way you can change and hopefully change those you are arguing with as well. The idea is to remain individuals, but work together as much as we can. Without honest, forthright communication, as far as I'm concerned, we're worthless. This is not directed at any one person, because in all honesty, its being perpetrated everywhere I go lately....less directness, more casual inferences to a friend of a friend, less vocal contact, more undistinguisable body language.

Off of that, that's the badness.

The good news is here in at least some form, which is far better than no form at all.

The day's sky was like something out of a Marquez novel, shining down on my smiling brow like a ship bearing the news that everything was going to be good today. And despite the large quantities of sugary, fat-laced blended drinks (dial-a-name for them in your favorite coffee shop), it was definately a good day.

Because for once in the past year and a half, I have a meriad of reasons to blush and smile widely, and no goddamn thing, beit human or not, is going to take that away from me tonight.

This
post by The Mix at 12:13 AM 0 A flats

Friday, May 20, 2005
two face
When boy meets girl there's only oe time there's no prior business to attend to, first love.

How does one live up to that kind of love, especially when it was beautiful and took a long time to get over?

Its been nearly 6 years since Katie broke-up with me, and I still feel as though I should live up to that, despite the fact that I know she's become very selfish and cruel in some nature.

Yet I don't want our relationship to be that way....

We fight, which Katie and I almost never did, which gives the relationship more passion, but most of the time it just seems like a double sided face.

One minute I feel as though she loves me for who I am, and what I want to be; the next minute she doubts me, looks over my shoulder, and pretends that I don't want her as much as she wants me.......which puts me more into doubt. Not because I actual DO doubt how I feel about her, but because she plants that seed in my brain.

She'll read this and get worried, even though she shouldn't because my heart fell off a cliff for her 3 months ago, but she keeps subconciously doubting me and us. It makes me want to run screaming, just to get away from the frustration it causes, but I haven't had anything this special for awhile.....I can't lose it.

Love is a bear of an emotion.....hard to describe pre, present, and post-relationship. How can I feel love if the one whom I love doesn't even believe that I'm in love WITH her.

I nearly went insane without seeing her for more than 3 days.

I know ebbs and flows exist in relationships, in love....people are together for years with much worse problems than this, and they are completely in love.

If imitation is that best form of flattery, then distrust is the worse.

I wanted to take her out this evening, but she was too tired (I could tell, she didn't say anything) to do what I really wanted to do.

She's two feet away as I write this, mad at me, waiting for me to say something stupid, again.....and all I want to do is give her everything, my cash, my car to replace hers, and my life so she wouldn't be so frustrated with family all the time.

For the first time in a long time I feel like crying out of pain's sake. Why?

Am I scared of love? Damn right I am.....we all should be, it drives us to insane places; but I'm not scared because I don't want to lose it again necessarily, more because I don't know how to keep it around without driving me to that insane place.
post by The Mix at 11:46 PM 2 A flats